Sayings that should be on buttons...



  1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
  3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
  4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
  6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
  7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  11. You! Off my planet!
  12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
  13. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
  14. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
  15. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
  16. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
  17. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  19. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  20. And just how may I screw you over today?
  21. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  22. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
  23. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  24. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
  28. Better living through denial.
  29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  30. Adult child of alien invaders.
  31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
  33. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  34. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  35. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  36. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
  37. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
  38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
  39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
  40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
  41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
  42. Adults are just kids who owe money.
  43. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
  44. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  45. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
  46. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
  47. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
  48. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
  49. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
  50. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
  51. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  52. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  53. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  54. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  55. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
  56. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  57. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
  58. Earth is full. Go home.
  59. Is it time for your medication or mine?
  60. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
  61. I plead contemporary insanity.
  62. And which dwarf are you?
  63. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
  64. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  65. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  66. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
  67. Meandering to a different drummer.
  68. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  69. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  70. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  71. If all is not lost, where is it?
  72. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  73. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
  74. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  75. I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
  76. It was all so different before everything changed.
  77. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
  78. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids
  79. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
  80. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  81. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
  82. Never knock on Death's door; ring the bell and run (he hates that).
  83. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  84. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
  85. There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
  86. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  87. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
  88. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
  89. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  90. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  91. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  92. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  93. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  94. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  95. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  96. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  97. My Reality Check bounced.
  98. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  99. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  100. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good w/ketchup.
  101. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience
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