Andy Rooneyisms
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they
have to stuff junk mail in with them. I get back at them.
I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee
grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away
for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me
(sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their
territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to
get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake.
Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the
church of 'Holy Moly'. I'm not making fun of it. You think
I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up
and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want
me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see
you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say,
'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always
feel awkward Reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask
someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas.
"Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you
wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get
at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the
life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the
way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
too
young, you get a gold watch, you got to work.You work forty years until
you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol,
you party, you get ready for highschool. You go to grade school, you
become
a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby,
you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months
floating...you finish off as a gleam.
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Clio Awards. A whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole
thing.
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't
know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have
to
stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably
calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is 'Share the love.'" Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD
clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back.
Stop sharing the love."
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