New Retirement Policy
---------------------------
INTEROFFICE COMMUNICATION
To: ALL Personnel Date: October 10, 1998
From: Management Office
Subject: NEW RETIREMENT POLICY Phone:
As a result of the reduction on money budgeted for
Departmental areas, we are forced to cut down our
number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees
will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future
plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
end of the current fiscal year, via early retirement, wil
be placed in effect immediately. The Program shall be
known as RAPE (retired aged personnel early).
Employees who are RAPED, will be given the opportunity
to seek other jobs within the system, Provided that while
they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the operation will be called SCREW (survey
of capability of retired early workers). All employees who
have been RAPED or SCREWED, may also apply for a trial
review with upper management. This will be called SHAFT
(study by higher authority following termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, dictated that employees
who have been RAPED once and SCREWED twice, may
get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, He or she will be
entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a Benefit Plan,
any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be
RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain on board that the company will continue it's policy
to ensure that the employees are well trained through our
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We
have given our employees more SHIT than any other
company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does
not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make
sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
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