Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------------
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future"
by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please
keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy
to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is
an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not
take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and sexuality
of the average human being. Allow me to describe some
of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that
instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that
sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends.
They would sneak up behind you and seal your **ahem** shut
as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty
stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm
happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across
space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that
you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter.
These are the same people who won't add paper to the
photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the
last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter
coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls,
pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing
for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a
hutch yesterday.' If I could beam things from one place to another,
I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just
start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders,
and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly
certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me,
I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my
walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place,
pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's
garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what
I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room
during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie,
and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry
about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got
something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands.
My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture.
And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever
need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could
keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the
transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek,
the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel
just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the
holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is
somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door
and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be
hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck,
getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her
simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't
enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of
all the people who had reservations ahead of me and
beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it,
but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
---------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races
populated with creatures who would like to have sex
with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical
possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough
to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids.
One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked
to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what.
This could only add to performance anxiety. You would
never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what
moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
-----------------------------------
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to
the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic
death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many
problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't
be that convenient.
Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten
times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store,
I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front
of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties
for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time.
All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien
entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in
the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world
where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes
to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of
the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has
employed the bold defense that he believes it might be
another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing
there looking at him barking only twenty feet away.
In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach.
I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow
tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't
disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could
both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain
that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog,
a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100
percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming
part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to
the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new
household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an
electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would
save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept
is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think
you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time
I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd
like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman,
a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target
Locked On.' It would also be great to have my computer built
into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods
of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate
a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could
amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a
huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids
would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility.
Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike
Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part
dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to
claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners.
But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an
important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get
too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need
a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use
to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device
for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without
fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now
have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
------------------------
Me: Ring this up for me, you
unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to
harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
to open a charge account? Our interest
rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use
them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use
them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for
your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the
area when he came near. If your manager died in his office,
you would know minutes before the authorities discovered
him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there
is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek.
But I wish there were. That would have come in handy
many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death
Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think
the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing
other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high
likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip,
it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody
would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be
able to have a decent conversation at the office over the
sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most
common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I
couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
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